[possibly triggering]
toes curled up, legs straight, arms like steel bands across chest because you managed to forget for a moment that you can't ever be physically intimate without feeling sick, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to get out of your head and the loop of thoughts that rip and tear and punch and strangle and beat and scream and cut you down. you managed to feel wanted and warm, desiring and loved, and you forgot that it never fucking lasts.
maybe it's not all the time, but it's often enough that you've taught yourself to not even bother, it will always end up like this: unable to even cry until there's a word or soft lips or a hand stroking your hair and then it's these sobs dragged up from all over your body, ripped up from just below the skin where everything, everything is wrong.
Friday, July 03, 2009
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9 comments:
*hugs*
ta. appreciated.
*hugzors* I hope you're ok. :(
thanks <3
i'm fine now, i'm so used to it that it only takes a little while to forget all over again. i just wanted to write it down while i still remembered.
fuck. *hugs*
:( *big otter hugs*
*pulls knowing face.
Occaisionally, despite best efforts, it does jump up and grab you by the throat.
Wonder if it'll get easier and easier over time.. lots and lots of time?
thanks for the hugs and niceness, my dears. it's much appreciated.
i sometimes think it's getting easier, but then at other times i believe i'm just trying to fool myself, and the only reason i think it's getting easier is simply that i avoid it. *sigh*
I'm trans too, and I feel like that
every single day of my life...alenation to the point of barley feeling human, the constant
need for any sort of distration, that keeps you from tearing yourself to pieces.
The feeling of being a walking abomination, and monster, a tragety...all while your body slowly rebels against you.
I can totally relate to all that FUN stuff. Let hang out and trigger each other! Yay!
(or not...that might be bad acctually.)
- Zero
P.S. I really do relate to everything you said though.
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